The Art of Starting Small: How a Chattanooga Lactation Consultant helps parents bloom

Why is it that we (moms)  always think that we have to do it all, do it big, do it well from the very beginning? We expect perfect parenting from ourselves, our partner, our own parents, and the community at large which results in perfect behavior from our children, no matter their development or age. 

Maybe that isn't you or maybe it is the you inside that beats yourself up for not being that perfect image. And perhaps you have given up and feel like your life and home are a wake of destruction and chaos. You feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Let me tell you a real life story about the art of starting small to inspire your own small start. In my Catholic worldview, it is Holy Week. It starts with Palm Sunday and there are many opportunities to contemplate and participate in church activities that are essentially somber in nature. This is the week in our liturgical year where Jesus is crucified and dies on the cross. Regardless of your own beliefs about what that “means”, death tends towards heavy themes. 

View of the Crucifix and stained glass at Christ Church Episcopal in Chattanooga, TN before the start of the Tenabrae service.

This year I decided I would attend a Tenebrae service. This is a somber contemplative event with candles and darkness. The only one I found in Chattanooga involved a chorale group performing at Christ Church Episcopal. I invited my daughter, and a few people from my Bible study. My daughter tried to find a babysitter for it, and was unsuccessful. She and I had learned about Tenabrae 2 years ago, and it was something we promised we would do next year 2 years ago…so this was next-next year. 

FOMO took hold and my daughter decided her only course of action was to bring all 4 kids to the service. I understood her desire, and I was also thinking there is no way this will be a contemplative peaceful experience with 4 kids 5 and under, especially for a whole hour. 

So I did what a past homeschooling mom does best - I researched how other people with small children managed a Tenebrae service. What I found was a blog post saying how this family did it at home until their children were old enough to sit calmly through the service. I shared it with my daughter who admitted that she got through the first two sentences before she got distracted by some combo of 4 children. I offered to create our own service at my house using my altar space as our quiet contemplative area. 

A short video describing what I intend for our home Tenebrae service.

On Spy Wednesday, we started our own tenebrae tradition. My daughter and grandkids came to my home. We had dinner together where we discussed a little bit about what we were about to do. We let the kids play outside to burn off energy before the quiet. Hand washing, potty attempts and then we silently(ish) entered my bedroom. The kids each had their own pillow to sit on the ground, while the adults got to sit on chairs. I lit the 9 candles and we began. (Tradition is 15 candles, but I found 8 matching candles at a local thrift store so 8 small and 1 tall is what we did. ) 

The altar for the Tenebrae service that I held in my home for my daughter and grandkids.

I had a one page handout with the readings. After each section of readings, a child got to blow out a candle. I had written each name twice on paper so I could draw names for fairness. I didn't anticipate that the youngest child would be chosen last, or maybe one of the oldest would have 2 turns to her none so I had to adapt my strategy on the fly to avoid a meltdown and purposely picked the 2 yr old name next. 

After the last small candle was blown out, I hid the big candle (which represented Jesus). I told them when I said earthquake they were to beat on the floor or stomp their feet to make earthquake sounds. I didn't want them to use their voices, because that isn't traditional in a Tenebrae service and that tends to get shrill and loud. So we got to make loud noises and once we stopped, I brought back the lit tall candle. 

The end of the Tenabrae service at Christ Church Episcopal as we are all leaving in semi-darkness. The sun was shining through the stained glass windows.

In a church setting, we would have all left the church with the candle lighting the way, but since we were at home, we decided to share what we are thankful for. That was a fitting end to the quiet contemplative energy we created. They left my bedroom quietly and were then allowed to play loudly with toys.

It took me longer to write this blog than it did to do the actual service. Maximum 10 minutes from start to finish. The 2 year old sat on the ground, sat on my lap, stood up, talked while I was reading, got upset at her pillow being touched by her brother, had some tears for unknown reasons during the thankfulness time. And she waited her turn to blow out the candle, and sat quietly some of the time. The older two sat quietly and happily blew out their candles when it was their turn. 

This is the art of starting small. We will do this again next year. We are giving them opportunity to practice stillness and peaceful ways in a sacred space. I am grateful to have a home that has a special space I have dedicated for prayer. I am giving myself grace to practice small too. I looked at the one page handout, and thought this seems too simple, I should change it, add to it, etc. I stopped myself and decided I would focus more on creating a peaceful space. I chose essential oils to diffuse that felt grounding and somber (vetiver, tea tree and thyme). 

I dusted around the altar. I put away anything in the vicinity that seemed tempting (like my PT therapy bands). 

No matter what part of your parenting journey you find yourself in, learn to start small. Give yourself and those around you grace. Set timers for 2, 5, or 10 minutes and do the thing for that amount of time. As a Chattanooga lactation consultant, I use this starting small concept all the time. We cannot expect giant leaps in latch, milk production, nipple wound healing, tongue function, etc. in an hour, or a day or a week. I am gifted in helping moms start small, and find ways they can do the thing with as much peace and grace as they and their baby have the capacity for. Let me help you start small as you bloom into parenting.